How do I feel about study abroad? Thanks for asking...

Dear UMD,

Today, a member of your faculty or staff posed to me the question, "How do you feel about studying abroad? We want to know!" via email. I would like to start off by thanking you. You, UMD are the first college I have attended to ask me that, instead of just moving straight to the phase of telling me to give study abroad a try. I appreciate that you want to know how I feel. Because of that, I have decided not to ignore your message and send it straight to the spam folder (like I do with all other college-wide emails... don't take offense, I did it at my other schools too - with the exception of the safety and security messages from the U. I enjoyed reading the physical description of the attackers over and over and over again, followed by the statement that "race or ethnicity is no reason to cast suspicion on an individual..." over and over and over again. Really? So say you have fifty crimes in your area in a four-month period, and 49 of them have red-headed unicycle riders listed as the suspect. Walking home late at night, would it not be prudent to keep an extra close eye on the red-headed unicycle rider who seems to be shadowing your pace?)

Instead of the spam folder, I decided to respond, because you really MUST want to know how I feel about studying abroad.

I'm just not sure where to start, since both words in the phrase "Study Abroad" don't sit well with me. My gravely disappointed parents will be the first to tell you, "studying" has never been in my vocabulary. Is wasting a precious hour each day for three weeks really worth the 8-10 percent better on the test? I vote no. "Abroad" also sounds, and I could be wrong here, but it sounds like you are trying to trick me into leaving the United States of America. I feel like if we could switch the name of the program, my initial thoughts on it might be more positive. Just off the top of my head, I'd suggest "Hanging out in America." But have your people in Marketing play around with the idea, and I'm sure they can come up with something similar.

As the program is currently set up, if I understand this correctly, I would possibly have to try to sit through a class in which the professor does not speak English. I know exactly how I would feel about that, because here in America, I am already doing this. My relationship communication professor has (supposedly) been here for a decade, and she still can't put together coherent sentences, nor can she speak in a way that is understandable for class. The feeling I get from this one aspect of the "Study Abroad Experience" you offer is frustration, and a desire to be just about anywhere else. So far, I'd say you aren't off to a great start.

Another "plus" about study abroad is the opportunity to meet different people. People who hate your country, and look down on you for being born there. People who badmouth your elected officials for sticking their nose in other countries' business and talk about how stupid you must be; and will turn around in time of trouble, look to the U.S. and complain how we didn't respond to help faster, or donate enough. Feeling like an outcast, while hating people for hating you sounds like a ton of fun... where do I sign up?

I have to go on these trips just to try the food though, right? I feel like I could find more enticing things to eat in a high-traffic porta potty that hasn't been serviced in months than I could off most countries' menus of "Ethnic Food." And forget about trying to order something that might sound normal... I've heard the stories of people ordering chicken and getting whatever that restaurant thinks they can pass off as chicken to the foreigner... Food poisoning and a need to boil any water they try to serve me, hm... How do I feel about these things? Dehydrated, queasy, and a little bit weak - just enough to not be able to fight off the mugger who decides to steal my wallet because I'm clearly not from their country, and therefore must be an easy target.

UMD, you so kindly asked how I feel about Study Abroad. I guess I can tell you, if I really tried, in just eight words.

Frustrated, unhappy, offended, nauseous, robbed, tricked, mistreated, unmotivated.

Sincerely,
Mark D. Heise