Ladies and gentlemen, today marks a new year, a new decade, a new era. Today is a day of firsts, a day people around the world vow to start something new, make improvements on their lives, and become better people. There's such a sense of wonderment in the high expectations placed on a new year. Unfortunately, by the time December rolls around, disappointment has settled in. Those resolutions we grasped so firmly on January 1st come flying back to us in late December, reminding us of where we ended up leaving them - January 4th.
But with a new year comes new hope, and so the cycle continues. Ladies and gentlemen, I write to you today to announce it is time to break the cycle of disappointments. It is time to stand by our resolutions, and hold them firmly as we fly through this next year, this new year of our lives.
But it is not to be done with ease. No, one can not simply choose resolutions at a whim and follow them for the new year. Great care must be taken in choosing these commitments.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I am here today. I am here to show you the path to a successful year of resolve, to lead by example. So with that, here I am, setting the bar with my list of 2010 Resolutions.
I, Mark Heise, resolve to
- Continue biting off more than I can (properly) chew, and prioritize my tasks in a way many would call unwise.
- Keep alienating myself from large percentages of people I meet, with awkward comments and jokes they either do not understand, or are somewhat offended by.
- Press on towards disappointing many by "not reaching my potential," grade-wise, mostly due to the prioritizing mentioned above.
- Maintain a close following of baseball.
- Go on enjoying funny TV shows, specifically ones airing Thursday nights on NBC.
- Persist with correcting those whose grammar or spelling is lacking.
- Carry forward in finding time to simply sit and do a puzzle, whether it be of the crossword or jigsaw variety.
- Remain one who has not yet grown up, and not quit acting like a child.
- Sustain a willingness to write comments on the Memo line of all parking tickets I pay.
- Keep the ball rolling with my Kanye West and Chris Brown boycotts.
- Progress slowly towards winning that sheet of paper that tells companies you're ready to work... I think they call it a "diploma?"
- Never cease in quoting direct lines from movies and or TV shows, as I see fit, to apply to real-life situations.
- Not give up on attempting to gain weight, by continuing to eat what I want, when I want.
- Remain as sarcasm's best friend, through thick and thin.
And lastly,
-I resolve to have as much fun as I can doing these things over the 365 days of 2010.
Happy New Year's, everybody. Here's hoping your resolutions go as well as mine.
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