The Vikings/Favre saga, the Ross and Rachel Edition

When I woke up to find reports of Brett Favre's plans to join the Vikings, it hit me: I've heard this before.

It's not what you think, I'm not talking about his hemming and hawing back-and-forth banter with retirement, which we've all seen... I mean I've SEEN this entire thing play out in front of me before, in its completion, at least three full times this year.

Excited, I went to fellow Friends enthusiast Lucas Peterson to share my theory, and when he agreed without too much explanation, I decided it was time to share it with you.

We have been watching the remake of the Ross and Rachel subplot of the popular television show, "Friends." Allow my next 4000 words or so to explain...


Just to start, let's introduce the main characters:
We have Ross Geller, A.K.A the Vikings organization, or, for more fun with the mental image, let's just let Brad Childress represent Ross. Next is Rachel, the infamous mind-changing Brett Favre of our story. Ok, let's start the story, and we'll introduce the rest of the characters as we go.

There are actually two different openings... Non-Favre fans, here is yours first... Rachel runs into the coffee shop, still in her Packers uniform... she was about to start another season, and just realized she didn't want to say "I do." until after Training Camp. The Packers, (Dr. Barry Farber) are left standing at the alter with the maid of honor, Mindy (Aaron Rodgers) and runs
away on the honeymoon with her anyway. (They had been having a little thing on the side to begin with, so Barry isn't too disappointed.)

*Rewind to the beginning for all Favre fans... and open on Rachel having a great time with Paolo, the interesting Green Bay team she is dating. However, Paolo (the Packers) has seen what Favre (Rachel) can do, and is now interested in a new target, Phoebe (Aaron Rodgers.) So the Packers go to Phoebe's massage parlor and come on to her (Aaron.)

Ross (Childress) isn't a big fan of the Packers, and is very quick to try to steer Rachel (Brett) away from the Packers.

Brad: Green Bay, I think I speak for everyone when I say... (slams door on face.)

***OK now that we have the differing opinions on the opening out of the way, let's move on.

Ross and Rachel are dating, Ross has even put on the Sailor's costume to try and intrigue Favre into bed with the Vikings, and now Favre wants to return the favor. What does he do? He talks with Brad (Ross) about how he can return the favor, and Brad wanted the Princess Leia fantasy (code for wanting a quarterback in 2008.) It went like this:


Brett: Do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?

Brad: No.

Brett: Come on you gotta have one!

Brad: Nope.

Brett: Brad, you know what...

Brad: What?

Brett: ...if you tell me, I might do it.

Brad: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Rudy?

Brett: Yeah.

Brad: Do you remember the scene with, um, Rudy? Well Rudy was part of a good team, and his team let him play and he was carried off the field.

Brett: Oooh!

Brad: It revolved around having a competent quarterback. It was pretty cool.



But we all know what happens in Friends... Ross talks to Chandler, who talks about always picturing his mother, and the Princess Leia fantasy is ruined.

The quote, "I hate Chandler, he's ruined my life!" applies as Chandler equals the New York Jets, where Childress' prized quarterback ends up for 2008.



With Rachel and Ross "On a break," or pretty much broken up altogether, Childress turns to Mona, or Tavaris Jackson. T-Jack is young, and he gets Brad enough to help him crawl into the playoffs, but he's just not what Ross is looking for, and that becomes obvious when he completely forgets about Mona at the movie theater to help out Rachel with pre-baby things.

Ross didn't want to tell T-Jack he was having a baby with Rachel, because he didn't want to upset her without reason, but in the end, Mona asks Ross to "jump up his own ass and die," which we will see T-Jack do soon enough when he demands a trade.

(I kind of wanted to use Elizabeth, the college student as T-Jack, and somehow compare spring break to the unusually early off-season that Childress really didn't want to go to, but ended up road-tripping with T-Jack and having a blast... Imagine if you will...

Ziggy Wilf: I just got this really weird message from Brad. He said turn on MTV.

Brett: Huh. All right.

(Brett does so and it's one of those dance party shows they have during spring break and we see...)

Adrian Peterson: Oh, look! That's T-Jack!

(Suddenly Brad Childress jumps in and starts dancing with her.)

Brett: Oh-oh Coach Childress...

The Arizona Cardinals: Oh, to be irrelevant again...

Dennis Green: Yeah.



Are you ready for Sage Rosenfels to enter the picture? Rachel wasn't. It's Katie the Cashier at the baby stuff store! She was very impressed with Ross and his dinosaur toys/West Coast offense, she called him Indiana Jones/a great coach, and Childress/Ross ate it up. Rachel/Favre was not impressed, especially when they went on their first date, which we will call the Vikings/Colts pre-season game. Childress called it nothing more than a cup of coffee, but
here is how Favre reacted. (I changed the names and maybe a word or two in the script for your benefit)

Brad: Hey.

Brett: Hi! You're back from your preseason game!

Brad: How are you?

Brett: I'm fine, but that's not important. What's important is how was she?

Brad: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.

Brett: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little shovel pass under the table...

Brad: What's uh, what's going on? Do you not, do you not like Sage?

Brett: No! No, She was nice. I mean, she's a little sloppy with the ball, but who isn't?

Brad: I liked her.

Brett: Of course you did Brad, you would play a gorilla if it called you a good coach!

Brad: Did you get like a fresh batch of retirement hormones today?!

Brett: No! It's just that, Sage bothered me.

Brad: Why? What was wrong with her?

Brett: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!

Brad: Okay, so what's the matter?

Brett: I don't want you to play her!

Brad: (laughs) Why? What, what are you jealous?

Brett: Yes! And not because I want you to play with me, but because I don't want you to play with anybody! Okay? I know it's a terrible thing to even think this, and it's completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I'm very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.

Brad: Okay.

Brett: What?!

Brad: I won't play anyone. I'll uh, I'll be here, with you, all the time.

Brett: Really? But I'm being so unreasonable.

Brad: True, but you're allowed to be unreasonable. You're Brett Favre.

(Pause.)

Brett: (starting to cry) Oh Brad, thank you. Thank you. (They hug.)



Now as we know, Rachel has the baby, whose name, as everyone will always remember, is "May 8th, 2009 arm surgery." It has a ring to it, right? And this baby has Ross thinking that maybe it's time to start things up again with Rachel. Ross'/Childress' mother even thinks so, and brings a wedding ring to offer to Favre. Childress puts it in his pocket to think about it.

But Favre, who has done some flirting with Joey, (Joey will represent retirement,) ends up thinking Joey proposed to her first, and selects that route instead.

[Scene: Brett's Room, Retirement moves Brad's coat to get the tissues Brett wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Childress gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Retirement goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's an engagement ring.]

Brett: Retirement.

(He turns to face Brett on one knee with the box open.)

Brett: (seeing the ring) Oh my... (Pause) Okay.

(Retirement is stunned.)

[Cut to Brad getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking
down the hall to Brett's room.]

[Cut back into Brett's room.]

Brett: So uh... I guess we should make it official huh?

Retirement: Uh... Look Brett... (Brad enters.) Hey Brad is here! Hey look! It's the guy everyone wishes was my friend, Brad. Hey Brad.

Brad: Hey Retirement. (To Brett) Hey you.

Brett: Hey you.

Retirement: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Brad, but I'm really more of a candy guy. (Laughs.)

Brad: You're weird today. (He turns to Brett and Retirement puts the ring back.) (To Brett) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something.

Brett: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

Brad: Uh Retirement, can you give us just a season?

Retirement: No.

Brad: What?

Retirement: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no.



We have to back up a little bit to figure out why fans wish Brad (Ross) were Joey (Retired)... but it should be explainable by this: Just consider Emily to be named "What Vikings fans want."

Cut back to season five and the wedding...

Ziggy Wilf: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Brad and what Vikings fans want. (Time lapse) Now Brad, repeat after me. I Brad...

Brad: I Brad...

Ziggy: Take thee, "what Vikings fans want"...

Brad: Take thee, Brett...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) What Vikings Fans Want. (A slight chuckle.) What Vikings Fans Want.

Ziggy: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Vikings Fans.) Uhh...Shall I go on?

Brett: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Brett, right? Do you think I should go up there?



Of course, as we jump back to July 28th and Brett's retirement, Childress and the Vikings Fans have a common enemy: Rachel. People were especially steamed at Favre after this, which is exactly how Ross and Will Colbert felt in high school, in their "I hate Rachel" club.

Will Colbert is the Viking fans, and here are his feelings from July 28-August 17.

Ziggy: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Brad is coming to dinner. And Brett Favre too. (Vikings Fans stop suddenly.)

Fans: Oh.

Ziggy: Is there a problem?

Fans: Nope. Uh, it's okay. It's just uh, Man I hate her.

Ziggy: What?

Fans: Yeah, I hate her. She was horrible to me in the summer of 2009. But hey, it was a whole week ago, I'm in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any poison or nooses or something? (Starts looking.) No, Vikings fans, no!



But like every good show, this one needed an ending, which was what began today when Reports said Favre had boarded a plane for Minnesota... just like Rachel boarded a plane in the final episode of Friends. Rumor has it, Childress heard this voicemail while he was sitting in his car waiting for Favre to arrive.


Brett: (on the answering machine) Brad, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane because I changed my mind last-minute AGAIN. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're sitting there in your SUV and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the
stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love football too. Because of course I do. I love football. I love football. I love football. What am I doing? I love football! Oh, I've gotta play. I've gotta get off this plane.

Brad: Oh my Gosh!

Brett: (on the answering machine) Excuse me?

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Brett? Please, sit down!

Brett: (on the answering machine) I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to get fitted for a Number 4 jersey.

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) Brett, I can't let you off the plane.

Brad: Let her off the plane!

Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.

Brett: (on the answering machine) Oh, please, miss, you don't understand! I'm Brett Favre!

Brad: Try to understand!

Brett: (on the answering machine) Oh, come on, miss, I'm used to getting my way! Isn't there any way that you can just let me off...

(The message is finished. Brad jumps over to the answering machine.)

Brad: No! No! Oh my Gosh. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?

Brett: (getting into the SUV) I got off the plane.

Brad: You got off the plane.

(He leans over and kisses her.)

Brett: I do love football.

Brad: I love it too, and I'm never letting you go again.

Brett: Okay. 'Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again.

Brad: Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid.

Brett: Okay... no more 2007-08 NFC Championship mishaps. You and me, alright? This is it.

Brad: This is it. Unless we find a better quarterback...

(Brett gives him a look.)

Brad: (to himself) Don't make jokes now...

(They kiss again.)